An unearthed gonzo piece

I stand in the center of the demon’s lair, gripped by fear. Strange markings and artifacts adorn the walls. A floor below me, I can hear the two beasts growling, as they sense the strange presence that has invaded their domain. I carefully inspect my new surroundings. No escape. No salvation. No hope. I don’t even have strong drink. What have I gotten myself into? For the first time since accepting the assignment it dawns on me: I’m spending the weekend in a vegan household. Maybe it’s a good thing there’s no liquor in the house, I don’t think I could handle this place in an altered state. Still, I’m a doctor of journalism goddamn it. I’ve got to see this through.

It was nearly three weeks ago that the professor from my University asked me to house sit for him. “What the hell,” I thought. “Get out of town for a few days, clear my head. Maybe even get an article out of it.” If only it were that simple. What the good professor neglected mention until a few days ago, was that he had two massive dogs that needed to be cared for as well. Fuck, man. I don’t even like puppies, let alone dogs the size of small ponies. But it was too late. I was locked in. I better get a good paycheck out of this mess.
To make matters worse, the professor and his wife are devout vegans, ensuring that late-night fridge raids would undoubtedly be a bust. So devout in fact, that I refuse to bring so much as a slice of cheese into the house, for fear of being sacrificed to some new-age tofu god. Thankfully caffeine doesn’t appear to offend the veganites, so I stock up on as much of it as possible.

From the get-go I knew this assignment was going to be a disaster. The directions Professor Vegan gave me failed to mention the sharp 90 degree left turn overlooking a quarry, or the house numbers that anyone whose diet consisted of things other than carrots would be unable to read.

As I approached the front door the fear swept over me. It wasn’t until I let myself in that I realized how correct that instinct was. I was on the set of Family Ties for God’s sake! I tried to take everything in slowly, convinced that my brain would hemorrhage. I wandered from room to room, taking stock of the absurdity of it all. Why doesn’t that chair have arms or legs? Is that a fishbowl filled with wine corks? No, no. I didn’t see that. Why are there thirty pillows on that couch? I felt a tingling in my temples, and was sure that an embalism was imminent.

No, death would have to wait. It was at that exact moment that the beasts downstairs became aware of my presence and began to stir. “Well, why not” I thought. “Let’s go and say hello to the little bastards.” I descended the stairs and opened the door to their room. Immediately, I slammed it and threw myself against it. “You son of a bitch! You told me you had dogs, not brown bears! I’m reporting you to the wildlife commission as soon as I get back to Indiana!”